Elf Day
by Rico Perrien
Summary: The extended family sit around on a summer's evening reminiscing about embarrassing moments


Elf Day

**Rating**: M Canonical

**Summary**: Harry Potter and his extended family discuss their most embarrassing days.

**Warning**: Reference to sexual misbehaviour, nothing explicit. (Rating could be T).

**Disclaimer**: I have no rights to any of the Harry Potter stories, merchandise, movies or anything else. I just enjoy the stories, and imagining what might have happened, before, during and after. No money, no recompense, just some fun.

**Author's Notes**:

I suspect that magical folk have heightened senses, as magic has to do with the manipulation of natural forces. Also, there is a difference between 'nude' and 'naked'.

One summer evening, Molly and Arthur Weasley were sitting in the gardens of the Burrow, relaxing after a day riding herd on their grandchildren and their young friends. Sitting with them were their extended family of their children, their spouses, and some of the schoolmates who had been part of the Battle of Hogwarts.

As always, there was plenty for the group to drink. Molly and Arthur had a supply of good Devon cider (or 'Zyder' or 'Scrumpy' in the local dialect). Bill and Fleur had brought some wine from her family's vineyards in southern France, and Harry had brought some 300-year-old single malt from his castle's distillery in the Highlands. As always, there was plentiful butterbeer, and pumpkin juice, and other fruit juices for those who had got sick of pumpkin juice while at Hogwarts (for some reason, the house elves seemed completely unable to comprehend that juice could be made from things other than pumpkins). Some of the younger witches were drinking juices rather than alcoholic beverages, either due to pregnancies or the injunction of 'Don't Drink and Apparate' (knowing that their husbands were unlikely to remain sober).

As the sun dropped in the western sky, and the children had been put to bed, the adults were sitting, chatting and laughing. The topics of conversation went back and forth until it came around to reminiscences of school days. As time went on, the conversation got more relaxed, and a bit more risqué.

Ginny listened to her elders for a while (she and Luna being the youngest of the group), then with a twinkle in her eye and a nod towards George (acknowledging his training her as a prankster), asked "What would each of you say was your most embarrassing time at school?"

Molly and Arthur looked at each other, obviously considering whether the younger generation was ready to hear what they had done in their youth. After a moment, they nodded to each other, apparently deciding that these 'kids' had gone through war and child-birth, and could handle the indiscretions of their elders.

Arthur smiled and chortled to himself. "Elf Day!" Many of the rest of the group laughed out loud in agreement. Glasses were raised to a call of "Elf Day!" Harry and Ron were both blushing furiously, but were both sufficiently lubricated to join in the invocation.

Hermione, Ginny and Fleur looked at the rest of the group (who all appeared in on the joke), and collectively said "Huh?"

Molly laughed at her daughter and daughters-in-law, but smiling benignly so indicate that she meant no aspersions. She said, "Okay, most of us remember 'Elf Day', or 'Days' actually, but some don't. So let's start with the 'Elf Day' virgins, here." More laughter from the group. She continued, "All right. Ginny, what was your most embarrassing day, as you brought this up?"

Ginny knew that, in her own sweet way, her mother was punishing her for raising the topic.

The young red-headed witch thought for a moment. "I guess it was the day Jimmy was born, and the morning after. I was at St Mungo's, pushing my first son out, legs in the air, spread for the whole world to see if they wanted. Harry was there holding my hand and coaching my breathing."

Harry broke in "It took me three days to get the feeling back into that hand – she damn near broke my wrist during one of the contractions." The group laughed.

Ginny looked at her husband and smiled "At that particular moment, you were just lucky that your hand was all I could reach!" She reached out and held Harry's hand. "Turned out okay in the end, though. Didn't it?" Harry leaned over to kiss his wife. George lead the group in a loud "Ahhh..." More laughter.

"Anyway, there I was, furry bits in the air, pushing and straining to get the little bugger out, feeling like I was trying to push a watermelon through an eyedropper, when who should show up but Dennis Creevey with his bloody camera. Getting a view even my husband doesn't normally get to see" (Harry blushed at this). "Camera flash popping, blinding all the medi-witches and the Ob-gyn."

"The next morning, front page of the Daily Prophet, my hair all sweaty from 8 hours of hard labour, there's a picture of me pushing, Jimmy coming out, my nether parts for all to see. The worst part – the article, all about Harry Potter's first child, a healthy son for the hero of the wizarding world. I wasn't even mentioned until the third column, and I was doing all the bloody work! Pissed me right off, I can tell you!"

She raised her glass and said "To Jimmy, may his path through this world were more auspicious, or at least, more dignified than his entry into it." The rest of the group raised their glasses "To Jimmy!" Laughter all round.

Ginny turned to her brown-haired sister-in-law. "Okay Hermione, your turn."

Hermione blushed "Hard to top that one, Gin. Well, you all know that I am a bit of a know-it-all." George, Ginny and Ron looked shocked "I never knew that, No, that can't be. This is new," etc. Hermione giggled at this derisive mock display of disbelief.

She continued "Anyway, as you know, children are curious about each others' bodies, and play a game called 'Doctor', where they undress each other and look at each other's genitals." Angelina commented "I think 'Doctor' must be the muggle name. When I was growing up, there was a similar game called 'Healer'". Fleur laughed, and said "In France, we called it 'Medicins sans culottes'; in English, it would be 'Doctors without panties'. All children have the same curiousities, n'est pas?"

Hermione smiled and nodded thankfully at the support she was getting from the others, and noted how all the males were blushing at this rather candid dissection of the childhood game by the girls.

"Well, being the daughter of dentists, I had access to medical texts. When we played 'Doctor', I would listen to their chests, and take their pulse and try to figure out what diseases my playmates might have. I couldn't figure out why the only thing they wanted me to do was take off my knickers and check out my crotch. Finally, one of the older girls took me aside and explained it to me. I felt so stupid! That was my most embarrassing moment."

Ron reached out to hold his wife's hand. He knew that her self-image depended on her intellect, and knowing how smart she was (she needed it in the Ministry's Law division). Admitting to a lack of understanding was, to Hermione, admitting a serious weakness, even a character flaw.

"When I was delivering Rosie, my gynaecologist turned out to be one of the boys I had 'played' with after school, and I had checked his pulse and looked in his throat. I was a bit shocked and embarrassed, as he had played 'Doctor' with a lot of the other girls as well. I asked him how he was doing, and it turned out he had taken an interest in medicine in part because of my examinations. I thought that our childhood play might indicate some potential ethical problems between us, but it turns out he was gay and had no interest in fooling around with his patients. I asked why he had chosen 'ob-gyn' as a speciality, given our early 'interactions'. He said 'I always liked the view'."

The group laughed, although Ron looked a little no-plussed at this information.

"Okay Fleur, your turn," said George.

The French witch looked pensive for a moment and muttered under her breath "Alors, quelle jour, la quelle?" Her eyes opened wide in shock, "Oh, mon Dieu! Oui, c'est ça!"

She looked around at what she referred to as her 'Henglish family', and started speaking "I had seven years of age, and my fazzer was holding a big party. You know he is in ze foreign service on France, no? Actually, he is now head of ze 'Deuxieme bureau', roughly equivalent to a combined MI5, MI6 and ze SIS here in England, how you say, ze Secret Service. Anyway, ziz was a gathering of intelligence officers for NATO, and my parents were hosting this party at our chateau. Zere was in the middle of ze room, a champagne fountain. Gabrielle et moi snuck in and helped ourselves to some of ze very nice champagne, and got, how you say, pissed. Zere we were, in our pretty party dresses among zis group of very well-dressed handsome and beautiful people. One must say that to be a spy, you must stay in very good shape, and zese men and women were at ze peak of fitness."

"So zere we were, Gabrielle et moi, two young and very drunk Veela in zis room full of extremely fit men and women who were giving off all sorts of sexual pheromones. We Veela are very sensitive to zese aromas. And none of zem were paying any attention to me!"

"So, I stripped off my beautiful party dress, my camisole and mes culottes, and yelled, 'I am a Veela, and none of you are paying ze attention to me. What is wrong wiz you?' I was mortified, when zey started to laugh at this little girl trying to exert her sexual powers to a group of people who had probably, in zeir line of work, been tempted by some far more attractive, mature, experienced, and certainly more sober zan myself."

"Zer I was, standing what the Americans say 'buck-ass naked'. It dawned on me how foolish I must look. I was seven, the daughter of ze most important man in ze world (in my eyes), and my dignity was lying on ze floor wis my panties. Suddenly, I felt very sick, so I went over and srew up into the champagne fountain. Zey all laughed at me even ze harder."

"My muzzer did some cleaning spells, and ze fountain was moved from the hall, and ozzer wine was served. I was put to bed. Ze next morning, I had 'mal de tete' and 'mal-d'estomach', you would say a hang-over, from which I 's'ought I might die. My muzzer was very kind and brought some fruit juice to combat the dehydration, but I was not allowed to attend any of zeir parties for anozzer five years."

"Alors, c'est ça" she finished.

Bill reached out to hold his beautiful wife's hand, saying "I will never ignore you like that."

George and Ginny led another chorus of "Ahhh..." More laughter.

Ginny looked at her mother, in the light of the patio lanterns (as the sun had now set). "Okay Mom, spill it!"

Molly looked at her daughter, and smiled "I guess most of us had similar experiences with 'Elf Day'. In later years, I thought that the staff should have prepared the children better, by explaining the process, but I am sure that the ritual was intended to intimidate, kind of a hazing, put together by the board of governors (pure-blood bigots that they were). "

"Talking about it with my dorm-mates much later after we had left school, I gather that a lot of the wizard-born kids had been told about it by their older siblings or parents. The Muggleborns had no such preparation, and I think this was a way to oppress them with the big bad world where they didn't matter much. "

"Anyway, talking with Professor McGonagall in later years, she explained that a lot of the students did not have labels put in their underwear, or their other clothes, before arriving at Hogwarts. This made it difficult for the house elves doing the laundry to return garments to their rightful owners. As we each have our own unique combination of smells, from sweat, pheromones, etc, the elves could identify the owners of garments by their smells."

"There was one old elf, Niko, who had a sense of smell even better than a dog's. He or she was known as Niko-the-Nose."

Ron gasped, blushing so much that the distinction between his skin and his hair disappeared. "You mean Niko was female?"

Molly laughed at her son's discomfort, "Nobody ever knew, as far as I could find out. That's what made it more embarrassing for everybody. That's probably why Ginny and Hermione didn't know about it, because no-one would talk, which given what goes on in the dorms at Hogwarts, is itself surprising. "

"Anyway, the afternoon of the second or third day of first year, all students who did not have labels in their clothing were instructed to go to either of two rooms, one for girls, one for boys. This was done in the later part of the afternoon, so that each student would have been wearing their underwear for most of the day, to increase the, shall I say, 'potency' of the aroma."

"Ginny, this was why you did not share this experience. With six brothers proceeding you to Hogwarts, and your father and I having gone through it, I made very sure that your clothes were all labelled. Hermione, I suspect, you went to summer camp as a girl. Yes?"

Hermione nodded and said, "My Mom made sure all my stuff was labelled, too. I guess that's why I wasn't invited to the 'party'. For all these years, I thought that being Muggleborn I was being left out."

Molly smiled at her daughter-in-law and said "I am truly sorry you had to put up with that crap, and I am glad your job is to, shall we say, 'take out the trash'."

Fleur thought for a moment, "In les militaires Françaises, all persons label zere clothing. C'est la même chose en famille. Not zat zere was any confusion chez nous, at least not until Gabrielle, how you say, 'hit 'er growt'"

"So, a day or two after arriving at Hogwarts, just long enough for the home-sickness to set in and a number of the students crying all night (keeping their dorm-mates awake), we were all sixteen or so of us marched into one of the classrooms, and told to take off our knickers. For the girls, it was not so much of a problem from the point of view of the mechanics of it as our uniforms had skirts, but the boys had to drop their pants in the middle of the classroom. We were then instructed to toss our undies into a pile in the middle of the room. All us standing there, knicker-less."

Arthur took up the story. "For the boys, we had to take off our pants and underwear, and were standing around in our shirts and jumpers, and shoes, all looking and feeling stupid standing there with our bits hanging out." He snickered, "and at that age, they were bits." The group laughed.

"Then this elderly elf came into the room. Huge nose. It went up to every boy and stuck its nose into our crotches, and took a big sniff! The boys were whispering that it was a female elf, which caused a lot of the boys to blush. We all felt that this elf was violating us."

Molly continued "The girls were all whispering that it was a male elf. Lots of blushing, some girls were crying. The elf came up to each one of us, lifted her skirt, stuck its nose in, and took a big sniff. After going around the room like this, the elf walked over to the pile of pants in the middle of the room, picked up one at a time, sniffed at them, then carried them over to their rightful owners. Some of us put our knickers back on, but some were so upset that they just walked back to their rooms carrying their panties in their hands. Of course, there were bunches of older students, mostly Slytherin house, in the hallways heckling the girls."

Arthur added "And the boys too. Some of the boys didn't bother getting dressed either. Those older students were nasty, and the girls were the worst!"

Molly continued "As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, just after Christmas of third year, the process was repeated. By this point, we referred to the process as 'Elf Day', and I guess from the reaction earlier, the name has stuck, or was coined again. We had all gone through or were going through puberty by then, and the idea was that our adult smell was sufficiently different from our childhood smell that Niko had to check us out again and learn our new odours. A lot of students get new clothes at Christmas due to rapidly changing body sizes and shapes." Molly looked down at her ample bosom, and blushed lightly. "So in we marched again. Most of the girls were wearing their uniform pleated skirts, but being in the sixties, a lot of us were wearing tight miniskirts, so that Niko had to lift our skirts completely up to our waists for 'adequate access'. Very revealing, and very uncomfortable."

Arthur piped in, "The boys all wore long robes, some not even wearing trousers."

Luna commented "I remember that when she sniffed, her nose tickled." The girls laughed, while the boys blushed at this image of Luna with the elf's nose up her 'nethers'.

Hannah noted "Daphne Greengrass had worn a teddy she got for Christmas (pretty thing, rainbow colours which shifted around, lots of lace); afterwards, rather than getting it back on, she just stuffed it into a pocket, and walked down the hall to her dorm, cool as you please. Millicent Bulstrode got a pink silk teddy for Christmas as well, and she wore it that day too. Getting it off was not too much problem, but she had to strip down entirely to put it back on afterwards. "

Harry and Ron looked around. Harry begged, "Anyone got their wand handy, or a pensieve. I have got to get that image out of my head!"

Hermione said thoughtfully "That's explains it." The others looked at her for an explanation. She continued "You remember Lavender and Parvati were clothes horses, obsessed with fashion. They would borrow each other's pretty clothing (newly cleaned of course). When the laundry came back, their stuff would be sorted according to who wore it last. I guess the old elf's eyesight was going, or else she didn't even bother looking."

Molly looked like she was casting her mind back. She looked at her husband, and asked "Ah, that might explain it, too. Artie, do you remember Patricia Panlantoff?"

He laughed, "You mean Patti Pants-off?" Molly laughed, "In our dorm, we called her Puts-out Patsy."

The younger folk looked at Arthur and Molly and gasped at these comments. Molly looked around and said "Merlin, we were bitchy back then!" Molly and Arthur laughed heartily, while the rest laughed a bit, but were still in shock from the revelation of this side of the senior couple in the family. Children never really see their parents as having been as young, impulsive, stupid or horny as they are, and never as the schoolchildren that they were.

Arthur elaborated "Patricia Panlantoff was a Hufflepuff girl in our year. She came into her adult body a bit younger than most of us, and was unsuitably popular with some of the older students. She took it into her head to show her loyalty to the school by making sure as many boys as possible were kept, shall I say, 'happy and contented'. I wasn't interested personally as my heart lay elsewhere." He tried to appear noble as he looked at his wife, who was blushing fiercely, but with a wicked smile on her face as she mumbled "Artie, it wasn't just your heart."

Ginny and Ron both choked on their wine and sprayed it all over the rest of the group, who were falling over laughing at this admission. This was a side of their parents they had never thought to see (it is said that one of the most traumatic experiences for a teenager is to see their parents making love). Molly quietly administered some quick cleaning and drying spells, and continued.

"Anyway, by the time we went in for the sniffing, Patricia has already conferred her 'welcome back from Christmas and Happy New Year' greeting on a couple of the boys. Energetic girl. Apparently, this exercise has caused some mixing of personal aromas to occur. For the next couple months, when the laundry came back from the elves, she would receive a variety of grey boxer shorts, tightey-whitey y-fronts, and the like."

Arthur laughed. "Now I know the source of the pink lacey panties that Rolf kept getting back with his laundry. He was one of my roommates, and we teased him mercilessly about it. When he got the black G-string, we started a rumour about him being a cross-dresser. The next Hallowe'en party, he went in drag, to get back at us. Patty went as his date, in a man's tuxedo – they made quite the couple."

Ron, Harry and Neville looked at each other and guffawed loudly, to the surprise of the others. Harry looked at the others, and asked "Millicent and Pansy?" The other two nodded vigorously, laughing hard. Ginny looked at her husband, and demanded "Explain".

Harry had trouble getting the story out. "Part way through fifth year, Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson were sitting together at breakfast as usual, whispering to each other. Pansy said something to Millicent quietly, at which Millicent burst out very loudly. From what you just told us, I think what she actually yelled was 'You got Crabbe's? Pansy's got Crabbe's'. That is, of course, not the way we heard it."

Luna looked around with her wide eyes. "You all talked about your most embarrassing moments were times when you had your underwear off. But it was not the being undressed that mattered, it was the publicly humiliating circumstances when it happened. So it was not the nudity itself."

Hermione asked "Didn't you find 'Elf Day' embarrassing?"

Luna said in her quiet sing-song way, "Oh no. I did mention that the elf's nose tickled. But I have taken off my knickers a couple times a day all my life, for one reason or another, except for very hot days when I didn't bother putting them on at all."

There was some laugher at this admission that Luna had always had a different perception of the world and the social mores. Ron shook his head and muttered "She's still mental".

As it was approaching midnight, the couples said their good-nights, and heading off to their rooms, laughing and reminiscing.


End file.
